If only you knew.

If only I could tell you,
If only you knew.

How even my shadow claws its way out of my embrace and follows your silhouette instead.

How, when i get mad at you and shout and fuck up, I strangely don’t know what to do with myself for the next 48 hours until you return showering the same old hugs and vows all over me again.

How I rip apart every shred of my own existence to fall away, piece-by-piece, with you, into this golden high called love.

How every part of my shambles is so haphazard and yet you manage to somehow draw my caricature so precise and while I stand there astounded,trying to sink in the perfection , you go a step ahead and fill it in with all the right pencil colours.

How you and I do not fit in and with every passing moment that I spend with you, I give a part of myself away to melt into you.

But then I realize you do the exact same thing and the magic it creates bombards our lives with all the exploding colors of happiness I can ever imagine.

How you and I create a paradoxical world together, where, some days we just go nuts and burst into a fit of giggles together while on some, we are just grumpy, but never forget to nurse each others’ woes somehow.

How sometimes I wonder I just ink nonsense onto some blank pages but then i read it, and it all comes back ringing sense to me in every single word etched.

If only I could tell you,
How it is not so calm and easy, being with you.
And yet my world is so calm and so much more easier ,with you being around.

 

For You, With Love.

You are the effervescence buzzing out of a cola can, spreading bubbles of happiness wherever you go.

You are like the gooey chewing gum, you are sticky,  and when you meet someone, a piece of you remains with them even as you walk away.

You are the sweetness ingrained in a pink cotton candy, only if you took off that wrapper of yours, barring you away from people, you would know.

Sometimes you are the warm sunshine peeking through the glass, sometimes you are the icy droplets of dew that sheath the greens at the crack of dawn.

You are the orange, you are the red, you are all those colors that light up the morning sky, a dazzling gold.

You are flawed and yet your flaws tell their own stories and a story is engaging and fun , so your flaws are your most prized possessions.

You have been through so much, that your struggles give you an unfair advantage over the ones who have not yet strived. You have endured through the trenches, but you wear your scars as a badge of honour, not as cries reeking of shame, shrieking for sympathy.

You are the kid on the roof, flying his kite, making it hover as high as he can, wondering if it could make it across the wind and the planes, to the space, to the stars.

You are the ink blotted on yellow, weaving words into poetry, as pearls get beaded into garlands.

You are the crimson on a bride’s forehead, you are the pecks and kisses with which a mum cradles her baby to sleep, you are love, you are grace, you have the power to embrace.

Filter out the noise of the world and you become the voice that has been strumming in your head ,since forever.

You are the mica shimmering in the sand, you are the rose beheld inside the pages of a favourite book, you are the butterfly dancing in the rain.

You are a candle. Don’t just melt away in others’ heat, go burn in your own light.

You are mightier than the rock, which cracks under rain, but you, you can weather all storms.

You might feel down and out, at times. Or most of the time. But remember, you are a ship, not sunk yet.

Do not give in. You are a gorgeous rainbow and you yourself can bleed colours of happiness in your messy world.

The time is now, the time is yours. Live through it all. You might as well change the times, one day.

 

featured image

 

To the world and all that it has got to ask me to abide by, I refuse.

Tu ladki hai! You are a girl.”, they say, every single time I turn up home post eight, in the evening.

Tu ladki hai ! ”, they say, everytime I step outside to buy a recharge coupon or an AloeVera gel from the neighbourhood store, after nine.

Tu ladki hai ! ”, they say, each time I put on a Whatsapp dp with one of my male friends.

Hmmmm.

Even before all this cliched rant of “Tu ladki hai! ”, begins to usurp most of my senses, I sense that something here does not make sense. At all.

Question 1 :  Why do you keep reaffirming my gender to me, time and again, at each and every step of my daily routine?

Question 2: Why do you not reaffirm their respective gender to your sons and tell him,“Tu ladka hai. ”?

It is your goddamn duty to respect women.

Sounds legit, anyone?

A few months back, I was interning with a startup and had been added to a group on Whatsapp, where all my colleagues were also its members. So everyone had access to everyone’s phone number, but since it was a reputed company and the talk was mostly professional, it was okay. Later as the internship came to an end, I left the group. Makes sense.

A few days back, I got this text from an unknown number.

 

Now, whose mistake do you think it is really? A pervert feels it is okay to send borderline creepy texts to a random stranger( or worse, stalk them and text them intentionally).

But is it really okay?

To be honest, somewhere, it all boils down to our upbringing. The fault is not in her timings by when to get home, not in the dress she wears, not in the dp she flaunts, it is in the values you imbue in your sons. The problem germinates at home itself. Ever since birth, a weird thought is embedded in a boy’s mind. He is a boy, he will be unconditionally favoured. Literally everytime, everywhere. And I can totally claim that I have witnessed this happen within my own network of family and relatives. Sadly, I am not proud  to claim that.

They  :  If you do not know how to cook, later when you get married, you will face a lot of problems. You will be considered a misfit, a terrible failure, a bad homemaker.

Me  : But why? Why does not knowing how to cook make me look so terrible?

They  : Because a woman is supposed to know how to cook.

Me  : But why?

They  : Because that’s what she does.

Isn’t it sad that we live in a society which is full of such bullshit preconceived notions, where the fate of a woman is determined by her culinary skills ?

Me  : Oh. But why is it so that she does  that? What if she doesn’t do  that? Why is it not so that she should know how to cook because cooking is great, therapeutic, awesome. And even if she doesn’t find it that lucrative ( 😛 ), it is still a useful skill anyway, worthy of acquiring in life.

They  : Oh..yes.. That’s what I was trying to say. That’s why you need to master it.

Me : But if it such a wonderful skill, reeking of creativity and happiness and fulfilment ( think you could cook a pizza when you crave it :P… But then again you could just order anyway 😛 …Never mind, the point is..)why should it be a prerogative of women only? If the chef in a highly-acclaimed restaurant is a man, would you still say,“Oh, he’s doing it because he’s supposed to do it!”. Or would you be like,“ Wow, he’s following his passion and he’s sooo good at it! ”.

The latter, I guess.

And we are doomed with hypocrisy.  😦

Let me tell you a story. My story. It happened to me a few months back. I and a few of my friends (read: boys ) got drunk at our college fest, and before we could even anticipate what could happen next, I passed out. Period.

They were TERRIFIED as none of our parents knew (read : would support ) that we had been drinking. We were on a scooty and a bike and we kept circling around Dwarka ( or as I was told the next morning) until they brought me home around 12. They left by 2. Or so. I admit, it was a terrible fuck-up and unfortunately they had to bear the brunt of my mom and my dad and my aunt and my sister and my brother and my neighbour…yeah…you got the point.

Still, they brought me HOME, SAFE . And that is the best worst-case scenario possible, isn’t it?

So what I want to say is, not all men can be viewed in the same light. Some are really good and caring and helpful and since I know this from my personal experience, I can vouch for it.(And if you are reading this, I want to tell you I am lucky to have you guys in my life.  🙂 )

But then, THIS happened.

Me :  woke up next morning

faced the agony of my family

got holed up inside my room to cool off

called up my boyfriend ( Yes, I had a boyfriend then. No, you are not supposed to share this confidential piece of information with my family or even “dooor-ke-rishtedaar” as they all are kind of conservative!

narrated the entire incident to him

expected he would be shocked, angry, upset, glad and thankful in the same order

Turned out, he already knew about it ( how? That’s a tale for some other night!). So he was not shocked, not angry, but upset and kind of sweet too, “ Don’t you worry, I am WITH YOU.

Surprisingly, he was not thankful. To them .

Me  : But why?

He  : “Tu ladki hai.”

Meanwhile, me  in my mind : WTF

He : “They might be nice people but you can’t really trust anyone with such a situation.”

Me in my mind : *Gasps* followed by a ‘WTF’

Okay, so, seriously, how many times will I have to acknowledge the fact that I belong to the feminine gender? Does this imply that any friends I have, of the opposite sex, would not qualify to genuinely help me in such ugly situations? Is every other man just a demon, ready to devour women, at the first opportunity?

And I am not naive. I know the reality of our times. The rape and torture and murder cases victimizing women are all over the news, everyday, and I am not blind to not see them. But not every man you have in your life is a potential threat, is he? Some are simply real gems to have. And I am grateful to have them. And I wish you have them in your lives too.

And how shall we make that possible?

By propagating the right thinking. In the right direction.

I want both men and women to shine equally. To stand on the same podium, and lead the world from there.

I AM A GIRL. And I do not want to be a secondary homo sapien, I do not want to be a subset of the species lying at the highest rung of the ecological pyramid. We are all ‘humans’, not a GIRL, not a BOY, not a bisexual (and the list goes on..) but a ‘human’. And I only want us to be just that, a ‘human’.

Is it that hard?

I am not asking you to tilt the tables in the favour of women. I am not asking you to DO any favour. I am humbly requesting you to go back home, revisit your roots, and re-examine your values. Ask yourself, “ Is there anything wrong with the kind of society we have built for ourselves? Are we screwed up in our mentality towards a sex that is equally and proportionately wonderful as the one that we worship above it?”

You will get the answer.

It might be a long way before we can correct all the flaws embedded deep within our traditional societal institutions, but we can still hope.

This might be a man’s world, but I am definite of building my own universe. 🙂

 

 

featured image

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the reason for hope, and a lot more.

I panic when we go about days, not talking to each other. Infact, “panic” is a more humble reiteration that only feebly manages to acquaint you with my plight. I go absolutely haywire when that happens. I cannot stand the distancing of people, the vacuum it carves out, then the void that follows. I told him all about my problem, about the queasiness of it. He grew tense. His face contorted , then a bit more, and then relaxed before he could start addressing the grimness of the situation.

I asked him if what we had would hold up forever, he said I could choose to believe it would. I told him I have been troubled by so many things lately, that my world is falling apart, he said I could build a universe in his arms nevertheless. I told him I have been pretty scared from all those apprehensions , he said I could bury my head in his chest and the fear would not dare to perch anywhere close. I told him that I get nightmares sometimes, that I wake up raw, dry and aghast; he said he would make me giggle so much that all the eternity shall be brimming over with my laughter, that all the creepiness shall creep away, the spookiness shall get spooked away. I asked him how he could be so sure that I was his soulmate, he told me he was not. He could not tell if he had found his soulmate in me, but he was definite that he had found his lost soul in me. I asked him if he would ever leave me and flee away, he said I was the smile he would write all his days off with.

I asked him if my constant questioning annoyed him, he said he loved me nevertheless , and in that fleeting moment , my world flipped upright.

Sorted.

It is not that difficult as you think. You are so conscious about where to start that you are unable to see what heights it can attain. Unclench your fist and let the fear shed away. The farther it will go, the higher you will pace. The only thing standing between you and what you want yourself to be is what you are not letting yourself be. Unafraid, that is. There are so many thoughts clamoring for your attention inside your head that you fail to surpass the din and look beyond all the hoopla.

All these problems cluttering your life are just pieces of garbage that would be effectively dished out once you take the control of your life in your hands. Don’t try to just hang in there, poised to face everything, with drooping heads and listless sighs. Instead, switch the control mode on. Clobber the negativity with a hard-hitting hammer and nail it down to the floor. Show it that it should never dare to get in your way again. Take the reins in your own hands and drive your own sleigh. Hog all the possible current opportunities and create them where none exist. Screw the ennui. Stop getting miffed. Start making lists, huge ones, and then get on to them with all the zeal that you can gather from inside your soul. Sure that conscience inside you knows better than you think,right?!

You are concentrating far more energy on what the world has got to say about you, when ironically, it has got nothing to say about you for real. Well, what have you achieved so startling that it should prize you!? And how will you ever, if you keep bothering about how you are bothering others?! Duck it; the world will never be happy enough, so it’s high time you got yourself a bit out of that happiness scoop before it eventually melts away . Listen to everyone but care about doing only what you think is right. Identify your priorities, think about your dreams, set your goals, plan your strategy and mull over it for quite a good time. Faith will cover the rest.
People might or might not take stand for you but your belief will never desert you; it will drive you forward in such scenarios where nothing else will.

This is it..or so I think.

2016 is already up, high and knocking about and I am vehemently chasing deadlines, trying to get as much stuff off my checklist as I can. This year, I’m trying new things, things that I have never even tried giving a shot before. Or those that I have always feared. And most prominently, working on chalking off procrastination and getting the shit done. We are living in a mad rush, always buried under work or busy catching up with all the fun, so much so that we never sit back and think about the stuff that we would actually want to do. So in a bid to clear up my mess I have shaken things around a bit so that the truly valuable ones become easily detectable inside my head.

IS IT THE GYM TALKING..?
Basically, I joined a gym last week, I thought a good workout would help me prune out all the vile flab I have successfully managed to gain on all the happy winter nights. Plus I have been feeling a strange rush of vigour inside my body these days which earlier felt just rather dull and inactive. This feeling is magical and makes me feel so alive that I would like it to continue staying with me for the next few months. So, gym is here to stay for a long time.

AND THE BIGGEST CULPRIT IS….
Time. Because I can never have enough of it. It’s always running out when I have never even completed 10% of what I meant to do. To circumvent this grave problem, I just need to find a vendor who sells TIME at superbig discounts( as my second biggest problem seems to be money!) so that I can buy it in voluptuous amounts and then never let it slip away so unsatisfactorily.
Okay, to seriously address this problem, I really need to start managing my time more effectively. That just reminded me that I would be better off reading my book now rather than ticking away at my keyboard. I have realized that it is easy to declutter our disorganized lives if we are really willing to. All that we are missing is a sharp and bright focus. Bring it on and the blurry image will not seem so blurry anymore.

It is imperfect..Or is it?

We all have some definite perceptions inside our heads of whom we could call the PEFRECT one. We make lists, define specific bullet points, highlight our preferences with a bold marker pen (and keep the background plain white for them to be MORE obvious ) and kind of always want OUR way with things that go around us. We try to segregate and classify every friend-giving-out-soulmate-vibes we happen to meet in our lives as the one who fits the bill or not. But guess what! Life doesn’t play by the rules that we invent for ourselves. It has got its own set of waves to throw our way. Sometimes it’s so ironical that we find ourselves embracing a situation we would have never even imagined to be in, or liked to be in.

But there we are, trying desperately to go off our usual routes to defend and appreciate this magical change now. May be, it is true then. When LOVE happens ,all the predefined rules and conditions go out of the window. Love is the only real substance there that drives us to put our footsteps where our heart is ,and the rest becomes garbage .

Some people may not possess the exact qualities we have always been looking for ,but they yet seem to make us wonder and admire them for some reasons.May be it is because with them hanging around, things tend to fall into place as they were always supposed to be at the end of our huge list we had been scribbling down our whole life. With them, we might not be getting all the ingredients checked off on that list to get the recipe right but the dish is sure to intoxicate us with all the love it has got to offer.And be there the exact qualities or not, this LOVE never fails to sweep us off our feet. Just like we had always wanted it.